“You’re brave and you’re beautiful
So hold your head high
Don’t ever let them define
the light in your eyes.” -- Fight Like a Girl by Bombshell
Resistance. Oh how it can make a simple task feel Herculean. I have been facing a lot of inner resistance lately as I’m working on my first book. Quite honestly it feels odd to even say that. It’s like that evil little voice inside my head is going “Yeah, right! Hah!” It’s hard to break out of what I have previously defined myself as capable of.
I’ve been thinking lately about how I went from fueled and productive to resisting writing lately. I think my ego picked up on the fact that I was making a true change and threw up a wall. We’ve all run into those times. It is a moment where you have to ask yourself how much will you fight for what you want. We fear what might come if we lived authentically. What if we fail? Would those we love reject us? Just who do we think we are anyhow?
It is hard for artists. We create because we want to move people, change things, share our inner world. We don’t create just to have the work disappear into a vacuum. We want to make a difference. We want to hear on occasion that we made someone laugh, cry, see things in a new way. Yes, we would be driven to create no matter what, but feedback does matter. It does help us get through those moments of starring at a blank page or canvas. Creation is a joyous and painful process. Knowing our work matters helps us to push on.
Suddenly I’m acutely aware of the fact that people I truly love won’t even read my work. Some of my dearest family members and friends won’t read my work. I want to believe that they want to be close to me, to get to know me, and it hurts to think that they find what my writing reflects of my soul ugly. It has shut me down many times.
I’ve tried to lock away what is within in order to stay acceptable. I’ve tried to lead the responsible, ordinary life. But that doesn’t work. It’s not fulfilling. It leaves me sorrowful and wanting more. Those around me can pat me on the head and say, “Good Girl” when I behave “properly” but I know in my bones that I am worth more than that -- that my life is meant to be more than this. The hard thing is to silence the doubts. The hard thing is to say, “Damn it, this is important to me” when everyone else around you thinks it is trivial or a joke.
It is funny how we dampen our inner light, how we wear masks to “fit in.” The reality is most people are screaming inside, wishing they could truly be who they are, could chase their passion. Quite frankly the world would have a lot more joy and beauty if they did. The reality is there are people who will become angry if you don’t act in ways they desire and you have to be strong enough to do it anyhow.
The answer to the “Just who do you think you are?” question is actually a simple one in the end. It takes effort to strip away the illusions, the fears, the doubts, but once you do, the answer really is beautiful. We are Spirit. We are Love. We are that divine creative energy here to have a human experience. Our essence is powerful. Our souls are wise. We just have to shut out the outside noise off and find the strength to believe, to try. Only in listening to our highest self, following its wisdom can we ever create the life we want and finally find the peace we so crave.
To those of you also chasing a dream: Be brave and beautiful. Never give up.