Poem: And so We Danced.

You pulled my strings,
a macabre dance
reaching for you,
praying for tenderness,
a kind word of praise
as you turned away.

Just a child…
I was frightened at your rage,
ever wondering what words
to say,
what face to wear
what gesture to make
to stay in your grace.

And the pain of your hand
across my face
paled against the fierceness
of your voice
screaming in my head.

My soul was gifted to you
to love, to protect,
to inspire…

Ah inspire you did.
Self-hate,
And rivers of blood from razor blades,
never deep enough,
never numbered enough.

I can’t exorcize the demon.
Your refrain,
the distain
ever plays.
And there is no way
to block the roar
save to end it all.
And thanks to you
I’ve not the strength.

So you drink
And you smoke
and again we dance.
The passing of years matter not.
It’s just
another fight,
another too-long night.
And I cry
and you rage.
Another cycle,
the end, the same.

In your eyes –
the reflected me.
A twisted, distorted, semi-reality.
But oh, dear mother,
All that you hate and causes
you grief,
the very essence of your
blood and history
all that I am---

I am because of you.

Confessions of a Technology Addict

Hi, my name is Melanie. It's been 5 seconds since my last Twitter.

Wow. I spoiled myself this week and indulged in an iPhone purchase...something I've been dying for since it was released. Now I'm a full-fledged addict. I was in love from the first morning laying in the bathtub reading my e-mails, texting, and surfing the Web. It is a beautiful, useful toy that I highly recommend all check out.

But it didn't stop with the in the tub reading. Things got taken to a whole new level when I got onto Twitter (Check it out at http://twitter.com) It is a place where you can sign up to leave little 140 character updates on your life. You can also "follow" friends, family, and strangers from around the world. It's a fun way to communicate and stay in touch. And it is a complete blast.

I am following a few of my favorite celebrities and news sources and have found a few followers already from around the world. I'm in love.

On a serious note I'm hoping that it's something that might help keep me updated on my step-brother's safety as he rejoins the army. If he can post little updates to let us know he's okay that would help his family's worry for his welfare as low as possible. Some doctors are using Twitter as a means to keep families informed of progress during surgeries.

So I highly recommend checking out the Twitter Web site and then sign on to "follow" me! I'm at http://twitter.com/Larkn0298.

The Oscars

Okay...as usual the Oscars gave me a couple of what the F*$# moments.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for make up!!! What the heck?! Over Hellboy II: The Golden Army?! Or The Dark Night? Give me a break Academy. What were you smoking?

And another one: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for visual effects? You have got to be joking. Over Iron Man? I don't think so. Did you academy members see Iron Man?!! The effects were mind blowing!

But kudos to Hugh for being an amazing and charming host who seemed very comfortable with a daunting duty.

Poem: Blind One

Blind one.
You can't see who
stands before your eyes.
You foolishly believe
you have a clue
as to who I am.

I laugh at your ignorance.
I awe at your ramblings
and the bigotry you feel free
to spew at me.

For I am that monster.
I am that which you hate.
I am that which you would kill.
I am that which you fear.

You don't even know enough
to know you despise me.
You don't recognize me.
You think me a sympathetic listener?
You think me a kindred?
Fool.

Could it change you to know the truth?
If you found
you loved a freak,
what would it unleash?
Understanding?
Violence?
An inner questioning?
A lesson learned --
to think before you speak?

It is time for Change

Homophobia.
Bigotry.
My heart breaks when I am forcefully reminded how much hateful, willful ignorance still plagues our world, even in the supposedly forward thinking United States.

I wish for a day when being gay was given no further thought than being straight. I wish for a time when two men or two women getting married was accepted and rejoiced in as much as any straight couple's marriage. That a time would come when two people of the same sex kissing in public or on TV caused no more of a reaction than a straight couple.

Today I stumbled upon a couple of things that once again reminded me of how far gays have to go toward acceptance. There is an amazing article regarding the backlash that some schools have gotten when they've tried to mount a production of the Tony Award winning musical Rent. The article can be found by clicking here.

Yes Rent deals with complex issues: relationships (straight and gay), drug use and recovery, HIV/AIDS. Parents and communities can put their heads in the sand all they want but these are issues that teens are well acquainted with when they reach high school. And people would cringe at the amount of suicides that occur because a teenager doesn't know how to accept his sexuality.

I responded today in message board to a young woman who spoke about thoughts she'd been having that were leading her to question if she might be bi or gay. The woman basically said that she hoped it was a phase and that she hoped it didn't mean anything. She spoke about the immature homophobia of her friends. If she does find out at the end of her soul searching that she is gay...how on earth is she going to cope? She obviously will fear the rejection of beloved friends and perhaps even family members.

Rent is a powerful work. Like all meaningful, provocative art it won't be to everyone's taste. But the message behind the play is a beautiful, life-changing one of the power of love and art. It's a message that teens like that young woman need to hear.

In fact, one of the theatre directors who wanted to put on the show and ended up being denied had wanted to mount the production as a way of educating people and fighting against the homophobia he saw brewing on his campus. Teachers had reported hearing gay slurs, and videos had appeared with students using gay slurs. In my opinion he did the absolute right thing in taking action against an attitude that breeds violence towards others. He was shot down. He was told no by an ignorant administrator who obviously hadn't seen the show.

This willful ignorance is no longer acceptable folks. The gay community is no longer quietly taking your hatred and bigotry. We will fight to live our lives. We will fight for our rights. We will not let the darkness blot out the light of love. We are powerful, creative artists who will keep challenging you until you wake up. The time for change is now.

As they sing in Rent:

There's only now
There's only here.
Give in to love.
Or live in fear.
No other path.
No other way.
No day but today.

Poem: Fearing the Silence

Desperate and starved you are --
a little crazed from the work of avoidance.
I wonder why you can't see.
This pattern ever repeats.

Fearing yourself, the truth in the silence,
you fill your life with noise.
More appointments.
More meetings.
More gatherings.
Ever searching, never finding.

Ah....
If you'd only listen!
The universe whispers to you --
secrets to all you crave.

Love,
Peace,
unity you desire.
Yet you will not find this without
unless it is within.

Love me.
See me.
Need me.
You seem to scream.
Then wonder at the lack,
the silence that answers.

There's no one to heal you.
No one to fill the void inside.
No...
No savior awaits.

Except you.

Poem: Brick by Brick

Once life was beautiful.
Hope as abundant as air.
Every second seemed
honey-sweet and love-filled,
sorrows rare.

But that rosy-eyed child
has died
leaving the cynic alive.

False princes too long ruled --
whispering of love and healing.
And all was surrendered in trust.
But I'm still bleeding
in the wake of their leaving.

So I build...
A fortress of stone,
barbed wire protection surrounds this heart.
And brick by brick
the light dims a bit.

In every mirror,
I face a reflection unfamiliar,
eyes wide with fear,
then flashing with anger.
So white, so icy cold my skin.
Sorrow has paled the flush
of that once beating heart,
the light that was within.

Love's rush seems a fading dream
lost upon waking.
Clocks tick off
the rise and fall of the sun
in the outside world
and within my realm
fragile sanity is ever more lost.

It's the price I pay
with each lingering breath
for their thoughtlessness,
for each word cruel.
Ah, they know not what they do.
What was trivial to them
was to me a death, an end.

Now in this dark,
in this soul's winter
the question lingers --
Could I ever believe again?

My Anti-Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day...the scourge of single people. When one is single on Valentine's Day, it can feel like the universe is taking a special time out to remind the single folk of all of the people who are in love and how flawed you as a single person must be to not be coupled up. And oh yes, everybody but you is having hot sex. Ah, poor poor single loser.

I used to do my all to just ignore the holiday as to limit the self-hating blows to my self-esteem. But I want to try a different focus this year. I think I'll form my own version of an Anti-Valentine's Day Valentine's Day.

So what will this entail? Here are a few suggestions.

1)Remind yourself that sometimes it's alot more pleasant to be single than in a relationship. I admit I get a kick out of Valentine's Day horror stories. They are funny and also a reminder that the wrong person causes a lot more heartache than being single. MSN.com has published a couple of such stories. Check out: Valentine's Day Horror Stories and True Tales of Valentine's Day Gone Awry.

2)Spread the love. Love is a beautiful thing to share with others. So why not take advantage of the holiday to share your gratitude and love for those important people in your life. Buy cards, make cookies, write a poem, or send anonymous flowers. Whatever your creativity leads you to. Other people are single on this day too remember. Maybe you can remind someone of how much he or she matters.

3)Be around somebody who loves you. We all need a reminder that we are important and loved. So get together with friends and have a special day or evening together. See family. Call a friend or family member you haven't spoken with in a while and catch up. Just do something that connects you with others and reminds you that you aren't alone. People do treasure and love you. So go enjoy that hug and the smile you see on your loved one's face.

4)Laugh. Nothing opens a heart like laughing. So even if you have to fake that grin till you make it....do it until you are smiling and laughing for real. See a funny movie. Share a good joke with a friend. Seek out your funniest storytelling friend and just enjoy his banter. Let the joy in.

5)Indulge your anti-Valentine side. Sometimes all of the Valentine's Day fuss is just too much and it can hurt. Well that's what movies like My Bloody Valentine are for. Watching those frisky couples get their comeuppance can be very amusing for those feeling rejected that day. So take in something that is the absolute opposite of a romantic comedy. Watch a horror or action flick and get in a different frame of mind.

So those are a few suggestions for getting through this week of love. I plan on doing all of these. I will be getting cards and baking for friends here at work. Plus I'll be seeing my best friend and hanging out with her on Saturday to celebrate. And yes...a horror flick is likely on the menu.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Bright blessings, love, and joy to everyone.

He's Just Not Into You....Just not into it (Possible Spoilers?)

My girlfriend Alli dragged me to see He's Just Not That Into You on Sunday. I was nervous from the start because I'm not at all into chick flicks. But the previews looked kind of cute and I absolutely adore Justin Long, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, and Drew Barrymore. Plus I've been surprised before by chick flicks that I didn't think I'd care for. For example I did enjoy the Sex and The City movie.

While there were a few moments that I enjoyed and laughed at because of the wit and truth, this movie definitely was not something that worked for me or I would recommend.

The major failure for me was Gennifer Goodwin's character Gigi. This woman is a desperate neurotic mess. She is so desperate to hook up with a man that she takes any politeness and kindness as a sign that the guy desires her and is interested. She stalks people, obsessively waits by the phone waiting for the guy to call, and comes across in every scene as unintelligent and desperate.

If this was someone I'd run into in real life, I'd run the other way. She would drive me insane with her lack of awareness and her desperateness for male attention. And if I was a guy I would give her a momentary glance because she's cute, and I'd run the second she tried to latch on to me. Unfortunately this psychotic desperate character is the center of the film.

I also absolutely despised Scarlett Johansson's character Anna. If you know Scarlett, you know she's stunningly beautiful and is pretty talented. But God, Anna is everything I hate in a woman. She happens to meet a nice guy in a grocery store. They talk and enjoy each other's company, but he then reveals that he is married. Several times he tries to draw a line and get her to back off. But she doesn't care, she likes him and pursues him. And of course, being as charming and sexy as she is, he really doesn't resist for long.

This movie really is a sad reflection on women in general. It portrays women as drama queens, stealers of other people's men, desperate for a relationship, and manipulators of men into marriages they don't really want. I know women like this exist. I don't want to waste two hours of my life watching characters that embody everything that gives women a bad name. I want intelligent women who have their own lives that I can root for!

Justin Long's character Alex was a bright spot in this film for me. I've always been a fan of this actor. I find him charming and believe he's a wonderful comedic actor. He has a great delivery. Alex truly is the voice of reason who cuts aways the lies and hidden meanings of what men say for Gigi. He also offers a straightforward honest critique of some of her behavior. And we get to see him grow during the course of a film to a real man who can care for someone else.

Drew Barrymore is adorable as always in this. She is one of the few characters who seems to have a marvelous combination of kindness, intelligence, and heart. Another plus is she one of the few female characters who doesn't have a moment of irrational hysteria. She has a lovely heart and you are glad to see this character win in the end.

So I would say if you want to see a good romantic comedy, don't see this movie. I would recommend something that is actually charming like The Wedding Singer.

One thing I love today: Sugarland's "Love"

I'm not generally a country fan, but on occasion a particular song will just blow me away. That's what happened Saturday morning when I was flipping channels and came across the video for Sugarland's "Love."

You can see this on YouTube by clicking here. This is not only a touching and moving song lyrically. Jennifer Nettle's vocals are just mind blowing. The energy of the concert performance honestly almost put me in tears as I watched it. My heart was very moved.

Please watch the video, download the song, and enjoy this tribute to the most important and powerful force in our lives: Love.

And never forget how much you yourself are loved and treasured.

A tribute to being uppity

Sometimes women have to do something that can be very hard for them: not sacrifice themselves in an effort to come across as "nice." We are programed from an early age that we are not to raise our voices, not question, and not rock the boat. We wouldn't want someone to call us the "b" word after all. Well there are some occasions where being "nice" can endanger us or at least not be in our highest good. There are times where we need to fight for ourselves and make our voices heard.

The brilliant Dorothy Parker's "Indian Summer" captures the throwing off of the desire to accommodate everyone just for acceptance. I wanted to share it again as a reminder of the importance of being true to yourself.

In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

When we are living in a way that serves our highest good, our heart is more able to be open and the real beauty of our soul shines.

Now some people don't like to see that empowerment or are jealous of the pure joy they see when it feels unobtainable to them. You'll find they generally won't stay in your life long because you aren't feeding them the reactions they want. And as Dorothy says, to Hell with them if they don't want to see you bloom.

Be loving.
Be fierce.
Be honest.
Be generous.
Be you.

Poem: Sing My Sister

Sing sister.
Your words and song flow through the night air,
enfolding me, warming me,
and I'm surrounded in wisdom and love.

Yes, sing sister.
I ache to have your harmony added to mine,
to know my story isn't solitary and to be kept in silence.

I am awed by you.
Moved by you.
Your words, your arms, the song of your soul
seem to stir my blood again.
I am awakened by your light
and the soporific blankets of denial and irresponsibility
are pulled off my sleeping spirit.

"Come!" you call.
"Heal and live" – you beckon.
"Seize this chance of becoming…
And push yourself to open, to grow" – you challenge.

Your voice so siren-like and intoxicating
pulls me forth.
I tremble -- fearing the deaths that must come
in order to truly live.
But you sense and see and steady me.
And there's a warmth I've seldom known in your eyes.
I'm not alone.
I'm truly not alone and love is real.
Ah sing on sister…
you give me the strength to dream.

Poem: Sweet One

Sweet one…
angel that should be kissed
by heaven and showered in love’s light.
You shine radiant in this land’s stormy night.

For your heart is a force unstoppable,
your gentleness a balm on the tears and heartache.
Hope is your eternal offering.
Love flows forth from your smile.
And in your eyes
I can see
the abundance of my blessings.

You see into my promise
when my own eyes can’t begin to imagine.
Such blessed charity
your reminder of my true being.
You grant me rest
from the self-hating lashings.

Haunted by the depth of your heart.
Surrendering at the feet of the one
who led me to believe.
Lost in awe of your beauty.
There I’ve found peace.

You…
who grants me grace
that every moment saves me.