Monday, March 9, 2009

The return to the light

There have been many physical struggles I've undergone throughout my life and I admit that I had been a little bit lost lately in just being tired of not feeling well. I was also struggling with fear and sorrow as I face the possibility of losing my step-father to cancer. The worry for Dale and my mother came in like a tide and I was swept under its force for a while.

And for some reason in times of darkness it is a real problem that I fail to do what I know will help center me and focus me on the light again. But Spirit doesn't ever abandon us. Spirit is always reaching out, reminding us of the truth.

I have an inner voice that whispers to me that I am alone, that those who claim to love me would abandon me if they only knew the "real" me. It is something that I have tended to allow to isolate me, especially if I'm in pain. But thankfully Spirit finds away around my isolation and leads me to voices I need to hear. I heard a quote from Marianne Williamson that resonated with me and captured this: "God shall outwit your self-hatred."

And so Spirit connected me with family and friends to lift me up again. My mentor Jeanine reminded me of that very simple, yet terribly powerful and difficult-for-me-to-master truth that life is what we focus on.

I was so focused on my own pains and worries. I was forgetting to give thanks for the blessings that are bestowed upon me everyday. I was making the choice to have a life of sorrow, pain, and fear. I was creating an emotional storm every moment instead of being a force of love and peace.

Today is my beloved step-father's first day of chemo therapy. So I think this is a good moment to seize the power of now and commit to make different choices. I must remember to really open my eyes and see the beauty around me, make myself focus on it until it is as natural as breathing. I must return to meditation. I must return to my friends. And in these things may I find my way back to myself.

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